


The Game

by alabyrintha



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-29
Updated: 2014-10-22
Packaged: 2018-02-19 07:00:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2379155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alabyrintha/pseuds/alabyrintha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Who is playing with who?!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Brain Freeze

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone..
> 
> I am new here and I really don't know how to start, so I'll try to be as brief as possible..
> 
> This is a Durarara FanFic and the original characters and story do not belong to me, but this story does of course..
> 
> I'm really sorry for any mistakes or so because :
> 
> 1-This is not just my 1st drrr fanfic , this is my 1st fanfic ever!
> 
> 2-English is not my first language
> 
> 3-It has been a while since I watched drrr
> 
> And last but not least, I really hope you enjoy it, I will be waiting for your reviews, and I accept criticism :)

 

**Shizuo's Apartment**

**9-9-2012**

 

What changed?

Seriously what did?

So he has to go back to his old self, has to give up wearing suffocating over priced suits and go back to his old dichromatic bartender uniforms, to give up the fancy bakery he was running and go back to be a debt collector's bodyguard. That's not even bad, that's.. comfortable, and more familiar, isn't it?

But if.. if it really is, then why does he feel a sudden blinding headache, why does his nose burn so hard and his eyes sting that much? Why they hell is he crying?!

Why is he staring at his cellphone with such desperate rage?

Because he keeps hearing the annoying message, telling him that his number was blocked, for the ninth time? Because he's fed up with trying so hard in this relationship that he seriously thinks that giving up is the right choice?

Or because he knows deep inside that he might not have tried hard enough?!

But what part of the his butchered arms, with all the cuts and bruises decorating them, doesn't scream "I TRIED SO FUCKING HARD"?!!

 

And now.. now what? Would he even be able to get back to what he was? Does the world have a place for a now helpless twenty five year old loser who can't think or manage to go through the simplest everyday routines without....... ???

 

So what?!! What if he doesn't even go back to his old life and boring self? Who would miss him, or feel sorry for him? Who would try to help?

Would he even let them ?

And who fucking said he needs help at all?? He doesn't need all that, he doesn't need help, or friends, or anyone! He just needs.. a smoke!

 

And as ironic as that sounded, he tiredly reached to his night stand and grabbed his half full box of cigarettes with a bitter sarcastic smile on his lips, and a grip that almost turned it to mush if he didn't manage to loosen it a bit , for he is not going to ruin everything he loves for fuck's sake!

 

With thin pale lips he snatched one of the few precious sticks and lazily lit it, and all his troubles seemed to fade away temporarily with that heavenly first drag and the lightness in his head that it causes. He would love this cigarette and makes sure he doesn't ruin his relationship with it as long as it loves him back and calms him down, as long as the three minutes he would take till he reaches its filter, or as short as that is! At least the beautiful stick has been nothing but nice to him, and gave him nothing but pleasure, with no pain or suffering included in the package... at least for now.

Sounds like a good plan!

 

The second one was less pleasurable as usual, followed by a third, then a fourth, until he reached the fifth that tasted like nothing at all, and just felt like hot air going in and out of his lungs. That was when he decided to stop. He didn't want to finish this box before getting a new one, he also needed to a new plan. He needed something much stronger than cigarettes, something to knock him down, to freeze his brain so it won't work, maybe then he would stop thinking and remembering and eventually.. stop crying!

 

He managed to stand on his wobbly legs and staggered to the kitchen looking for liquor, he almost destroyed it when he didn't find any. Why the hell did he have to be so picky about tastes? Why doesn't he have at least one beer can?! That would have helped so much right now!

 

He was about to desperately head back to his bedroom when he remembered something. He opened his freezer to find it lying there, waiting for him in a winter rest of its own, a box of vanilla ice cream. And with a childish grin like that of a five year old, he grabbed a large spoon and hurried back to his bedroom hugging his precious newly found treasure.

 

Slumping back on his messy bed, he eagerly opened the box and dug in with the spoon to come out with a giant vanilla hill that soon jumped inside his mouth and...

Brain freeze!

The sudden punching headache in his head was added to his old one making him feel as if his brain was on fire!

Icy fire!

And the same way he used to enjoy hurting himself, cutting his arms and punching steel till he was numb with pain and bleeding like crazy, he kept on swallowing large hills of ice cream, not waiting for it to melt a little, or slowing down a bit, until the large box was almost empty.

 

That was when he decided to stop, maybe because he was too full, or the pain was too much. Maybe because he was too tired to think or cry anymore, for all he wanted now was to sleep, just to be left alone to close his eyes, wishing he never opens them again.. He let the box fall next to his bed on the floor with the spoon in it, for he was in no condition to give a fuck about taking it back to the kitchen, or even clean the mess it caused on the floor, to hell with everything!

 

And his eyelids were slowly falling down, he kept rewinding their last phone call.. the last as in a while ago, and the last as in never again..

 

So what if Izaya broke up with him ?!


	2. Villiger

 

** Izaya's  apartment **

** 9-9-2012 **

**  
**

_ -"What the hell  happened  ?? " _

He coldly raised his eyes from the interesting computer monitor before him to the boring  Namie  standing in the doorway and questionably quirked an eyebrow as he  said:

_ -"What?" _

_ -"What is this ????? " _

_ -"What is what ?!" _

He kept the same monotone in his voice that almost drove  Namie  crazy and turned  her face  rad ish red as she pointed to  the far corner , yelling:

_ -"THIS !" _

_ -"Ah.. this is what you have to clean up" _

_ -"WHAT ?" _

He turned off his computers then  stood up and walked from his desk to the couch where his furry coat ,  was  neatly  laid ,  and started putting it on, heading to the door as he added:

_ -"And  lock up when you leave,  I might be late" _

_ -"What the...? I'm not touching that.. What the hell is it ?! D o  you  a bladder control problem ,  Orihara  ?!" _

A faint smirk showed on his lips as he sarcastically said:

_ -"Relax dummy, it's just whiskey and broken glass" _

He then let out an amused laugh as he added:

_ -"But you would still be cleaning  it  if it was urine, I would love to watch you do that!  Haha " _

_ -"Someone's in a good mood " _

_ -"I'm always in a good mood!" _

_ -"But.. but h ow on earth did you manage to make such a mess? And s ince when do you drink anyway? And.. hey,  where are you going?" _

The amused look in his eyes and the smirk on his lips seemed to fade for a  zeptosecond  to be replaced by an odd mysterious expression as he said:

_ -"I'm craving  villigers " _

***

** Shizuo 's  apartment **

** 2 7 - 1- 201 1 **

_ -"Did I fucking leave the lights on again? Damn! how the fuck am I  going to  pay  th. .." _

An  amused laugh suddenly came out of  his kitchen to interrupt him , followed by an  Orihara Izaya , looking kinda  strange without his usual outfit , yet very elegant  in a dark red vest , a white shirt, and dark blue jeans,  saying:

_ -" Stop swearing, you stupid brute!  You didn't leave anything on , relax!" _

_ -" Izaya ??  Wha ..what the hell are you doing here?!!!" _

_ -"Nice seeing you  too, sweetheart!" _

_ -"How did  yo ...  I didn't give  you a copy of my key, did I?" _

_ -"No , you didn't, although you should have " _

_ -"Then how the fuck di..." _

_ -"Can we please resume the swearing later,  Shizu \- Chan, and focus on the more important things?" _

Annoyed that he was interrupted for the  second time ,  Shizuo  growled :

_ -"Like what ??" _

Izaya's  smile  widened as he approached him and stood right in front of him, then stretched his body to stand tip toed and kiss him on the cheek, whispering in his ear :

_ -"Like your birthday, dumbass!" _

Surprised and bedazzled by the romantic sultry gesture,  Shizuo's  cheeks turned slightly  pink as he mumbled, not knowing what else to say  :

_ -"But.. but it's not until  tomorrow" _

Izaya  laughed again as he lowered himself to his normal height , saying:

_ -"We are tomorrow, it's past midnight, check your watch" _

Shizuo's  sharp features softened as he smiled ,  and shyly looked away as he said :

_ -"I can't believe  you remembere d ! " _

_ -"I can't believe  you thought I wouldn’ t !! " _

Shizuo's  blush darkened and earned him a sweet laugh from  Izaya  who said:

_ -" Shizu -Chan is so cute" _

Shizuo's  face almost turned beet red as he nervously said:

_ -"He's not!" _

_ -"He's even cuter now!!" _

_ -" Oi ! Stop calling me that!" _

Izaya  laughed again as he led him to the couch, saying:

_ -"Ok  ok , relax, now sit here and wait for me, but close your eyes" _

_ -"Why??" _

_ -"Just do it" _

Letting out a somewhat irritated sigh he finally did as he was told , and in less than a minute he heard his boyfriend telling him to open his eyes again, and when he did, he opened them wide,  as far as they can go, or even a bit more, if possible!

For before him, on the coffee table, there settled a large..  no, a gigantic  strawberry cake with  deliciously looking vanilla frosting.

He kept staring at the mouthwatering cake, speechless, breathless, until  Izaya  decided to the break the silence, laughing and  waving  his hand in front of  Shizuo's  fixated eyes,  as he said :

_ -"Earth to  Shizu -Chan .. Helloooooo " _

He finally regained control of his tongue and mouth muscles as he said:

_ -" Izaya .. this is.. this is too much!!" _

-"No, I bet you can finish it  in two hours, I know how much you love these disgustingly sweet  things"

Shizuo  shook his head nervously as  he said:

_ -"No  no , I mean.. I don't.. I don't  I think deserve this" _

A sly smile appeared on  Izaya's  lips as he said:

_ -"You're right, you deserve more" _

_ -"What?!" _

_ -"Close your eyes again" _

_ -"What? Why??  What now?!" _

_ -"Just let go of that beastly suspicion  and  do what you're told without  questioning for once,  Shizuo " _

Shizuo  complied again, but slightly flinched when he felt something very light laid on his thighs, that was when Izaya  told him to reopen his eyes.

_ -"ARE YOU KIDDING ME? !" _

He   screamed at the small, thin, super elegant,  villiger  box in his lap in a way that made  Izaya  hesitate a bit as he  sat down next to him and said:

_ -"What? You don’t like it ?! I thought you would" _

_ -"I do, a lot! I tried it  once and loved it  but  couldn't afford it  on regular basis because it's too fancy and  kinda  expensive" _

_ -"Well, you don't have to worry about that anymore" _

Shizuo's  face bashfully shown with gratitude as he said:

_ -" Izaya .. I don't even know how to thank you" _

_ -"I do, I'll tell  you  later" _

He winked as he said it in a way that made  Shizuo's  face turn into an adorable shade of pink, before adding:

_ -"But first things first, I bet you're dying to smoke one of these  right now , aren't you?" _

_ -"I can?!" _

_ -"Oh my God, you're so cute, of course you can ,  dummy, they're yours!" _

_ -"But.. I thought you hate the smell of smoke" _

_ -"I do, but I think I can make an exception  for  Shizu -Chan's bi rt hday" _

And with the excitement of a young boy on C hristmas  eve, that  Izaya  amusedly watched,  Shizuo  started unwrapping the pack  with  great care, then  carefully took one of the slim brown cigars and lit it . B liss  immediately showed on his face as he took the first drag, making him relax, letting his head slump lazily on the back of the couch.

_ -"Wow, it  smells so good!" _

Shizuo  turned his eyes towards him in slight amazement as he said:

_ -"You really think so?" _

_ -"Yes, I'm even tempted to taste it, if  Shizu -Chan doesn't mind " _

Shizuo  immediately sat up  and took a second cigar, handing it to  him , along with the lighter, as he said:

_ -"Of course I wouldn't!" _

Izaya  smiled  as he said:

_ -"I actually meant to taste th is one " _

He said, pointing to the one between  Shizuo's  fingers, making him hesitate  a bit  before bringing  it  close to  Izaya's  lips, blushing slightly, as he said :

_ -"But.. but  it would be ..  like  …" _

His blush darkened as he stuttered, unable of completing  his sentence.

_ -"Like what,  Shizu -Chan?" _

Shizuo's  face turned into an incredible shade of red and  Izaya  tried so hard not to burst into laughter, he knew the answer and yet enjoyed seeing  Shizuo  like this, for as far their relationship went , it still hadn't reached the intimate physical boundaries yet, no sex or even  french  kissing , just hand holding with  a few pecks on the cheeks.

_ -"...like an.. an indirect kiss" _

When  Shizuo  finally said it,  Izaya  was about to lose control, yet he managed to keep his calm exterior as he said:

_ -"Yeah, you're probably right, we don't want  that  now, do we?" _

Shizuo  failed to cover  the disappointment  that showed  on his face  , and failed to come up with something to say , looking  completely lost, when  Izaya  saved him, saying:

_ -"I have a better idea" _

Shizuo  searched  Izaya's  face for clues about what he meant but got none, that was when  Izaya  suddenly said:

_ -"Take a drag  Shizu -Chan, a long one" _

_ -" W..What ?  Why?? " _

_ -"Just do it" _

Shizuo  remained frozen until  Izaya  gently pushed the  hand holding the cigar  towards his mouth, making him automatically catch it with his lips, taking  a rather long drag.

And the second the cigar parted his lips ,  Izaya's  lips were the re  to replace it.

You're right,  Shizu -Chan, who wants an indirect kiss when  you can have a real one?!


	3. Reverse Nightmare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again  
> It has been a while since I last updated but I hope you like the new chapters, and I hope to see your reviews  
> Thanks in advance :)

 

 

** Shizuo's  apartment **

Shizuo  remained frozen until  Izaya  gently pushed the  hand holding the cigar  towards his mouth, making him automatically catch it with his lips, taking  a rather long drag.

And the second the cigar parted his lips ,  Izaya's  lips were the re  to replace it.

And like a smoking  noob , Shizuo  was  about to  choke with all the smoke that was suddenly captured between the two mouths, as if it was his first smoke ever, if  Izaya  didn't manage to skillfully breathe it all in, almost sucking  Shizuo's  consciousness with it, making his head  weightless and his feet  non existent, or unattached to his body.

He  then slowly moved  away a little, keeping  eye contact with a now stunned Shizuo , and playfully blew the smoke again  in his face. 

_ -"That tasted great !" _

The low voice and the slow tone by which he uttered his sentence made  Shizuo's  cheeks turn pink  as he shyly said:

_ -"The.. the smoke?" _

_ -"Yeah, that too" _

He shyly lowered his eyes as he understood what the other meant, making a faint smile appear on his lips, that were almost  numb with pleasure, and excitement.

Izaya  then smiled as he said:

_ -"That was my  first smoke " _

And  Shizuo's  first kiss!

But he was too shy to say it aloud, too shy to tell  Izaya , but what if he asked, what if he wanted to do more, what if...?

_ -"Don’t worry" _

Izaya's  voice caught him in the middle of his thoughts, as if he was easily flipping throw them, making  Shizuo's  eyes widen in astonishment, and a hint of horror ,  as he said:

_ -"What??" _

_ -"Don't worry about it" _

_ -"About what?!" _

With a reassuring smile,  Izaya  raised his hand to tangle his fingers in Shizuo's  gold locks, slowly massaging the back of his head as he said in a low comforting tone:

_ -"We don't have to go any further if you don't want to" _

_ -"But I....." _

But he wants to! He damn wants it too badly, he's just too shy to ask, too shy to  admit it ,  to even show a hint of his steadily growing desire!

_ -"But you...?" _

_ -"I am... a ... ." _

A Virgin! A shy virgin that is too fucking shy to even admit that he is!!

_ -"I know it's you r  first time" _

Damn! How much does this guy know already?! He knows he's a virgin ?? What else does he know? And why isn't  he smirking and teasing him about it? Why does his smile seem so reassuring and his eyes look so kind and understanding? Is this really the  Izaya  he knows?!!!

_ - "I promise I won't go any further unless.... " _

Was it fate? Did  Shizuo  want to be caught?

 Or did  Izaya  actually plan to lower his eyes in that exact moment to  catch a glimpse of that bulge in his pants that was not there a minute ago?!

_ -"Unless  Shizuo -Chan really wants  me to... " _

And that was it...

None of them remember what happened in the few minutes after that and before they found themselves in bed, as if a scen e was deleted from  a movie, as if both of their memories  didn't care enough  about those few minutes to save them, for being so far less important , compared to the hours that followed.

They kept going for hours,  long hours, changing  positions ,  mouth to mouth,  skin on skin, inhaling nothing but each other's natural scents, and the remnants of  villiger  that was still in the air.

It was almost six in the morning when they finally stopped, both panting and glowing with sweat, with Izaya  lying on his back, one hand on his chest and the other  lazily playing with  Shizuo's  hair next to it .

Who could imagine  that he would relax so peacefully on  Izaya's  chest, or believe that  the sound of his heart beating would make him relieved, not annoyed?

None of them!

They both seemed to be enjoying the silence of the moment that  Shizuo  hesitated a lot before breaking it.

_ -" Izaya ..." _

_ -"Hmm?" _

_ -"I want you to promise me something" _

_ -"What thing?" _

_ -"Something that I don't want you to do..  ever " _

_ -"You don’t want me to call you  Shizu -Chan?! " _

Izaya  said playfully said earning a short laugh from  Shizuo  that soon faded as he said:

_ -"I'm serious though" _

_ -"Ok, sorry, what  is it ?" _

_ -"Promise first" _

Shizuo  was about to raise his head  and turn to face  Izaya  when he didn't get an immediate answer , but then...

_ -"I promise" _

_ -"Don't ever leave me" _

The tones shocked them both, For  Izaya  never uttered anything that heartily and  Shizuo  never sounded that shaky as if he was about to tear up.

_ -"I would never  leave you  Shizuo ..  unless you want me to, of course " _

_ -"Not even then!" _

Izaya  let out an amused laugh and hugged  Shizuo  tightly as he said:

_ -"Ok, not even then.  I don’t know how to  force myself on someone as  ridiculously  strong as you, but I'll manage " _

They both laughed this time as  Shizuo  snuggled closer to him and started drifting off before saying:

_ -"You can keep calling me  Shizu -Chan though" _

He remembers hearing  Izaya  laugh again, remembers the  faint  light of dawn that  lazily  made its way through the  semi permeable curtain s , showing the outlines of his bedroom furniture, and the clock hanging on the wall with both of its fluorescent  hands pointing to  six..

six...

six..

…...............

When he opened his eyes again, everything was almost the same!

The room was still swimming in the same faint light,  clock hands  still pointing to six..

And he was still lying on  Izaya's  chest, hugging it so tightly!

Was it a few minutes snooze then? Or did they sleep for twelve  hours?!

Is it even am or pm now? He had no idea..

He blinked trying to clear up his still foggy eyes and mind.

Could it be possible that they slept the whole day ?!! All the twenty four hours ????!!!

It won't matter to him anyway, what matters is that  Izaya  promised he won't leave him ever, and the whole break up was just a nightmare, an awful dream in a wonderful reality.

But...

What's that ice cream box doing here?  Izaya  brought him a cake not an ice cr...

He quickly grabbed his cellphone to check the date and time...

6:30  am

10 -9-2012

It all makes sense now.

How dumb was he ?!

To mix up day and night, his birthday and today,  his pillow and Izaya ??

And to think he was lucky enough to have an awful dream in a wonderful reality....... when..

When it was totally the other way around ?!

  



	4. I Love Trouble

 

 

 

** Ikebukuro **

** 9-9-2012 **

Hands in pockets, eyes straight forward staring a t nothing, and head.. head somewhere else.

That's how she found him, wandering in the streets of Ikebukuro, and if she didn't know him well enough, she might have thought he was lost!

For he looked like he was.

_ [What are you doing here?] _

He blinked in slight confusion, when the small screen was suddenly shoved in his face,  before putting on his usual smirk as he said:

_ -"What does it look like?" _

_ [Like you're looking for trouble] _

A short sarcastic laugh came out of him before saying:

_ -" Taking a walk is troublesome now ?!" _

Her shoulders seemed to shake in slight frustration  as she typed:

_ [ You know this is Ikebukuro, right??! ] _

He looked around as if checking before shrugging nonchalantly as he said:

_ -" Looks like it... S o ?" _

_ [What if  Shizuo  suddenly shows up now?! You know how ugly it gets when you two...] _

_ -" Shizu-chan  is  probably in bed right now,  Celty " _

Confusion would have showed on her face ,  if she had one ,  before erasing what she typed to replace it with:

_ [But,  It's not even that late..] _

_ -"He doesn't have to be sleeping" _

_ [What ? ?? ] _

_ -"And he's probably  been there all day" _

And if typing words could show  emotions,  Celty's  would have screamed with worry  and  suspicion :

_ [How do you know that?! IZAYA .. What have you done to him????] _

Celty  thought she must have imagined the slight bitterness in  Izaya's  sarcastic laugh  as he said:

_ -"Nothing . Not sure  what  he  might have done to himself though.. " _

_ [ What the hell are you talking about?? And how  do you know his whereabouts if you're as innocent as you claim to be ] _

He sighed in boredom before saying:

_ "I just passed by the bakery several times, and noticed it was closed all day, that's all" _

_ [All day?? How long have you been walking?!] _

_ -"Not long enough" _

Confused at the answer that didn't answer anything, she typed:

_ [How long do you plan on keep going? Are you looking for something??] _

_ -" Kinda " _

_ [What?] _

He looked away for a bit as if ignoring her completely before letting out another sarcastic laugh as he said:

_ -"Looks like you were right from the beginning ,  Celty , never knew you had that much insight!" _

_ [What are you talking about?!] _

_ -"Not sure" _

_ [You sound so weird, you know that?] _

_ -" I do? " _

_ [And you still haven't answered my question!] _

_ -"What question?" _

_ [What are you looking for????] _

_ -"Trouble" _

***

** The Internet "Gaming Site" **

** 30 -9-2012 **

Kanra : You seem to be new here

Kurai : Me?

Kanra :  Haha ..  No one else seems to be in the room,  Kurai -san!

Kurai :  Yeah, they all left, but ..  w hat gave me away??

Kanra : Your  noobness !  xD

Kurai : My...  what????

Kanra : Oh gosh! You really are a  noob !! lmao

Kurai : What the hell does these  words mean?!

Kanra : You don't play online much, do you?

Kurai : I just signed up here a few days ago. You don't have to make fun of me  because of that !

Kanra : I swear I'm not! I was just  jk

Kurai :  J ust.. what? ?

Kanra : You  have a lot to learn,  Kurai -san . xD

Kurai : Yeah, I guess, I don't know shit about this internet games crap!

Kanra :  Haha , you seem like a nice person.

Kurai : Nice?!  Me???

Kanra : Yes ! you! Is it so hard to believe?! Lmao

Kurai :  I'll  just  go look for some other room..

Kanra : No, no, no, please don't!  Why would you do that??

Kurai : Because you keep making fun of me and saying shitty words that I don't understand!

Kanra : I'm sorry, I'm really so sorry, just don't leave.. please?

Kurai : Fine..

Kanra : So.. do you have any friends here?

K urai : No, none

Kanra : Do you even know how to add/accept...?

Kurai :  I know nothing..

Kanra :  So... would you let me teach you, and be your first friend here,  Kurai -san??

***

 

** Ikebukuro  **

** 9-9-2012  **

 

She kept staring at him with her non existent eyes as if he's lost his mind before she typed:

_ [So  you're actually  looking for  Shizuo ] _

_ -"Maybe " _

_ [But you say he's in bed right now ] _

_ -"True" _

_ [Are you fucking drunk?!!] _

_ -"Not really.. why?" _

_ [Why would you look for him on the streets if you know he's in bed?!!!] _

_ -"Because I want to see him, but I hope I don't" _

She paused for a moment to examine his face, seriously looking for signs of insanity. Should she tell  Shinra  about this? Should she start to fucking run away?  Izaya  was already dangerous when he was sane, so who knows what he might do right now???

Finally deciding to risk it and stay where she was till she pulls one logical sentence out of him as she typed:

_ [Why are you looking for trouble,  Izaya ?] _

His lips seemed to tremble for a second before the smirk on them widened as he said:

_ -"Because I love it, why else?" _

Now that seems like the normal  Izaya  she knows if it wasn’t for.. for the slight trembling of his lips every now and then, for how his eyes leaked a very faint hint of sadness, for the whole situation and his way of talking that seems perfectly normal  to  someone who doesn’t know him so well..

But so off to  her, or anyone that is a bit close to him, assuming that being actually close  to  Izaya Orihara  is possible.

But let's say close enough. Close in the amount he allows.

That's why she started checking his whole figure, not knowing what she was actually looking for until she found it, on his left wrist.

That's why she found herself automatically typing:

_[What  is this??????] _


	5. God

 

 

** Shizuo's  Apartment  **

** 10 -9-2012 **

Why did he wake up?

He honestly wished that he didn't, let it be death or a coma, let it be anything except that heavy pain in his chest that makes it so damn tiring to breathe.

Wishing, huh? So funny.  No, hilarious! For he should've known better than to ever  wish  for something again. He wished that his strength  would go away as a kid,  that  Izaya  would stop annoying him as a teenager, that he won't leave him as an adult, but none of those came true, so why would his luck be any better now?!

He tossed and turned in his bed, trying to lure himself to sleep again but to no avail, his brain kept showing him flashes of  Izaya , smiling, pouting, touching him, kissing him, every spot in his body started to ache, longing for those hands, that might never touch him again and..

Might?! Does  he still have hope?!

Yeah, why not? They broke up many times before and got back but.. but it's different this time, isn't it? He knows it, deep inside he does. But what's different now is not  Izaya , not what he said, not his tone, it has nothing to do  Izaya  at all. It has something to do with  Shizuo .  He  is different this time,  he  is giving up, he is tired of trying and fighting,  fighting and trying.

 This surrender amazed him more than it amazed  Izaya  on the phone,  Shizuo  was never the one to give up, or become tired of fighting, either physically when he first met  Izaya , or mentally and emotionally when they started dating. He was always the fierce  one in their relationship, through all its phases, so what the hell happened to him??

Tossing and turning again, closing his eyes didn’t work either for they burned with trapped tears that soon overflowed out  as soon the two lids touched each other. Then there was that headache, and the smoke craving.

He 's going to  have  to leave this goddamn  bed one way or another..

***

** Ikebukuro **

** 9-9-2012 **

_ [What is this???] _

Not knowing what she was talking about,  Izaya  questionably raised an eyebrow as he said:

_ -"What?" _

His eyes  followed  her leather clad finger  as it pointed to  his left hand, to the small  tip appearing from underneath the sleeve,  of a  bandage wrapping it at the  wrist, to be precise. He then put on his usual smirk and nonchalantly pulled his sleeve to cover it  as he said:

_ -"Oh this, it's nothing" _

[What do you mean nothing? It's there for a reason, isn't it? And you say you haven't seen  Shizuo  all day, so why would you have such injury?? Unless you're lying of course!]

_ -"Oh! So that's all what you're concerned  about?  Shizuo's  well being?? " _

Again she sensed the slight bitterness in his sarcastic laugh that accompanied his sentence . She wanted to tell him that it's  not true, that yes, she was really more  concerned   about  Shizuo , being her friend, but  she was also concerned about  Izaya  now too, that it was the real reason she's asking about that injury,  but she didn’t for some reason , maybe because she didn't want him to know that she cared, or  because it was  wiser  to keep to yourself more than you let out with the likes of Izaya  (assuming that the one of a kind  Orihara  do es  have likes ) , even if it was about him himself!

As for  Izaya , his mind recalled what happened earlier that day...

***

** Izaya's  Apartment **

** 9-9-2012 **

He blocked his number for the.. he can't really remember how many times he actually did it, can't tell the difference anymore between the times when he did as a red flag for  Shizuo  so that he stopped  doing this or start ed  doing that, and the ones when he really wanted to end things between them.  Shizuo  would always find a way to reach him and mend things though, not fix, but mend,  Shizuo  was never good at fixing, only breaking and smashing, then regretting and trying to put the pieces back together somehow. He would show at his door shortly after  a fight with tears in his eyes or a gift  i n his hand or both, he would try to catch him where he knows he will be if he couldn't reach him at home, he would simply do anything and everything to get back to him, then  Izaya  would pretend that he won't go back to him but eventually does, for he never wanted to leave him in the first place, he loves the loser too much to let him go, but he's also too proud to make the first move or even admit that he loves him that much.

That side, that weak side of   Shizuo  that no one  had seen but him, the blushing  Shizuo , the teary eyed  Shizuo , even the begging  Shizuo , no one would ever imagine that the strongest man in Ikebukuro,  with his  cold exterior and  hot temper would literally kneel in front of  Izaya  with tears in his eyes. That side of  Shizuo  made  Izaya  love him even more, made his cold heart melt while being thankful that hearts are not visible organs or  Shizuo  would have known h ow vulnerable he is inside, and that is  not going to happen, ever!

He swiveled slowly  in his chair and looked at the view behind  his desk, at the  spacious sky that looked so dull and empty to him, at where "God" is supposed to be. He smiled sarcastically when he remembered that one time he was in bed with  Shizuo , and the latter told him jokingly that he does see him as a  God, his God. He's not sure now if  Shizuo  was actually joking when he said it, for that tall dumb blond  seemed like he  really worshiped  him !  the thought actually made him sad, to break the heart of someone  who  loves you that much, so many times, to make him self harm himself and try to cover the cuts and the bruises that grew faster than they could heal, even on a body like  Shizuo's !

But then again,  Shizuo  could have just avoided all this misery if he would just listen to him, if he quit being the stubborn bastard he is, if he wasn't that defying and stupid, even a God would have been fed up with a worshipper like  Shizuo ! He started to remember all their fights in which  Shizuo  acted like a total dumbass and started to get actually pissed but  sad at the same time, pissed at  Shizuo  for ruining their relationship, and sad because he can't imagine himself in a relationship with anyone but..  Shizuo !

He tried to convince himself to work, to flip through some files, or even to wander about aimlessly on the internet  to chat or play some game, but he couldn't. He needed to be distracted,  needed something or someone to comfort  him , but who the hell does he have except  for Shizuo ?!  He has been building walls around himself to keep him high and safe, away from all his beloved humans that he liked to love from afar, but ended up being totally alone because of it, he ended up being a God as he  wanted to ,  but  Gods must be lonely because as much as they love their humans, they never really allow much contact with them.

He glanced towards his  small liquor cabinet that he rarely uses except for a few occasions of formal drinking, maybe that would distract him. He got up and picked  a whiskey bottle and a glass then headed to the couch, he didn't bother to get any ice cubes from the kitchen, it's  not like he would care how anything would taste or feel in his mouth  right now, he just wants to be numb, he did pick his phone from the desk though because, yeah, he did wish that  Shizuo  would call him, and the phone would then turn his call into an alert message that would tell him that he did, he already had like a thousand of them that came right after he hung up with  Shizuo  and blocked his number, but the calls ha s  stopped for a while now.

He poured his first glass almost absentmindedly, staring at the phone screen that stayed as dark and dull as it is. H e started drinking as he remembered how  cute  Shizuo  looked as his   chin rested on  his  bare chest,  how he smiled sheepishly, how his cheeks turned pink, and how his eyes shined with admiration as he told  him  he was his God. God, huh? He doesn't want to be anyone's God right now, in fact he needed one, he always did, that's what no one ever knew about  Izaya , even  Shizuo . Izaya  was never an atheist because he saw himself as God, but because he needed one and never found him when he did, because he suffered when he was a child, and his suffering never stopped as he grew up, he just chose to keep it all bottled up for he didn't want to look weak and pathetic . Everyone saw him as a cute  rich kid when he was a child, then as a spoilt brat when he was a teenager, and  finally as  a classy polished informant as and adult, no one knew the hell his parents had  put him through , how many times he was hurt and betrayed by the people that were the closest to him , back when he was still able to let them close,  no one knew how much he used to  cry and pray alone till he finally stopped, reaching the conclusion that either God is an extremely evil guy or that he simply doesn't exist, so  he doesn't deserve to be worshipped or even acknowledged at all.

That was the birth of the ironic idea of him being God, or playing God.  H e thought, at least he would love his humans and keep an eye on them, he would try to have some sort of contact with them, to involve himself in their matters, even if he was ill motivated, even if he hurt them sometimes, he would  still be better than the God that totally washes his hand of everyone .

He started to lose count of how much he drank, turning into a machine that only pours and gulps.  Shizuo's  face kept haunting him, he hadn't called or showed up yet. How long has it been since they hung up? No idea, but probably  long, which meant  one of two things, whether  Shizuo  gave up on him and is not coming back or.. or he had done something to himself.. something like...  killing himself ?!

The thought made him cringe, the lesser of the two evils is  still evil enough.  Shizuo  did sound a bit weird in that last phone call, he sounded so.. surrendering, which assures his fears even more, that was the  voice  of a man that totally gave up on something, and that thing would be their relationship, or life!

The alcohol made everything seem so weird in his head, sometimes exaggerated, sometimes dulled, everything seemed so confusing and tangled, that's why he rarely drinks, and very little when he does, he can't be  Orihara Izaya  if his mind and tongue aren't as  sharp  as his blades, or even sharper! A bit  too late to regret anything now, or even think properly, the only thought in his head now was that he won't see  Shizuo  again! But..  but they can meet because of the bakery, right? Would  Shizuo  still be willing to work there? H e wants him to  but  Shizuo  might refuse, or might even shut himself up totally, making himself unreachable, he knows how he can be,  he can then ask him to give him his stuff back, or the bakery  keys and papers, he would look like an asshole but he knows he already is, it would be an excuse to see him again, who knows what might happen if they met? Things might work themselves out, right?? Or he can just keep walking all around  Ikebukuro everyday until they  eventually me t, now he's just being stupid but..  but he would really do anything to get him back.  He can even ask any of their friends to help him get  Shizuo  back, but  then  he would have to tell them they were dating in the first place ,  and they both  made sure to keep that as a secret from everyone so that none of their enemies would hurt the other, they would fake the  hate and put an act of  a few fights every now and then in front of everyone,  no one even knows that the real owner of the  Shizuo's  bakery  is actually  Izaya .  I f any of  this leaked now,  Shizuo  would be in great danger , it would only increase the  probabilities  of him losing  Shizuo  for good!

Tears started forming in his eyes but even as drunk as he was  he  still didn't allow them past his eyelids, h e just glanced towards the sky showing through his panorama view window again,  it looked to him as if the cloud s  had  formed some sort of a shape, so close to a face, a giant smug face with a smirk like his. He glared at it for no reason, it felt to him as if it was the face of God, mocking him , he felt as if that face was about to stick his tongue out and say " Let's see how you handle this,  God !"

Izaya  felt real rage gushing through his veins , he bit his lower lip so  hard but was too numb to feel the pain or the  blood  that started spilling on his chin. At that point he could no longer hold his tears inside his eyes, it seemed like they finally got the chance to escape and flooded like a river on his cheeks,  he then suddenly picked up the whiskey bottle and threw it  towards the window  as he exploded  screaming:

**_ -" IF YOU DO EXIST THEN WHY DON'T YOU DO SOMETHING??! WHY DON'T YOU HELP ME???!! " _ **

His aim was totally off and his arm felt so weak and shaky with all the alcohol in his blood, making  the bottle end up in the corner as a mess of crushed glass and yellow whiskey. He was then silent for a few minutes, his body was totally still except for the involuntary movement of his eyelids and the rise and fall of his chest, his face looked expressionless, as if he wasn't raging and screaming a few seconds ago, he looked as if  he was in deep thought while his mind was actually blank, totally empty except for one thought, one thought that buzzed inside him, nagging him until he finally complied and stood up. 

He walked towards the corner, his steps somehow shaky but doesn't seem drunk, his goal steadied his feet as he reached the corner  and bent to pick up a fairly large piece of glass that looked  scaringly  sharp, yet  he didn't seem to fear it much.  H e walked towards his desk and sat behind it, his face still emotionless, his body still numb, he has always had high tolerance of pain, not as high as  Shizuo's  but really  high compared to average people, yet he was still thankful for his numbness, for this was not going to be any pain, this pain was not going to be just physical, he might get scared and might change his mind in the middle if the pressure was too much, he had  to do it though, he had  to do something,  he had  to tell God that he's still as capable, and that  he  would choose when to quit, and would never wait for that God to fire him, if he ever even existed at all.

It wasn't his first time to slash skin, but the first to slash his  own .  H e was never the one to self harm, even in his darkest times he would never touch his body, he was nothing like  Shizuo  who never listened to him when he told him to quit smoking and self harming, and stop treating his body like trash , a nd as his God complex  kept growing, he came to think of his body as something too precious to ruin.

The whole thing  was almost painless, given how sharp the glass was and how drunk  Izaya  was. Blood started gushing out of his wrist making him feel weird and detached,  like  he was watching someone else's  hand , like  he was in a movie. Thoughts started rumbling in his head again for some reason, as if he and his beloved twisted brain was saying their goodbyes to each other. He kept thinking about  Shizuo , he weirdly wanted him to break the door now and run towards him with that concerned look in his brown eyes and save him while yelling at him for being a foul, he wanted  Shizuo  to hug him so he could feel his warmth and inhale his amazing natural body scent mixed with cologne. It's funny how his last thoughts are about how  Shizuo  smelled, isn't it? But that's all what he could think about...  Shizuo ..  Shizuo ..  Shizuo . Where would he go when he dies if there's no afterlife? Would he meet  Shizuo ? What if  Shizuo  goes to heaven? He wouldn't meet him then ,  because  if hell ever existed ,  he would  definitely be going there . He won't see him again , this would be it,  and  Shizuo  might  not even be dead! What the  hell  is he doing?! He's only increasing the probabilities of not seeing  Shizuo  ever again...

NO!

He has to be alive, there's at least a better chance of meeting  Shizuo  again that way, and because that was a stupid idea anyway .  Now  he has to stop this damn blood, and sober the hell of himself up before  Namie  comes ,  and that is going to be so soon. His hand was already moving towards the drawer in which he keeps a small medical kit for emergencies when he heard the clicking sounds of footsteps in the hallway  outside his front door that made his eyes widen. He has to slip into character right fucking now! What the hell was he thinking?! How could he put himself in such a crappy situation ??!!

He amazed himself at how fast he reacted as he dropped the bloody piece of glass in the drawer then opened the kit without taking it out to get  a large ball of cotton  and press  it to his wrist  while  dipping his whole hand between his pressed thighs to apply pressure and keep it away from  Namie's  eyes at the same time, and since his computer was already swit ched on, he just had to move the mouse with his right hand and look intently at the monitor as if there was something very interesting on it.

…..

-"What the hell  happened  ?? "

He coldly raised his eyes from the  " interesting "  computer monitor before him to the boring  Namie  standing in the doorway and questionably quirked an eyebrow as he  said:

_ -"What?" _

_ -"What is this ????? " _

_ -"What is what ?!" _

He slowly let the soaked cotton ball fall into the open drawer next to the glass piece and picked up an adhesive surgical pad from the kit as h e kept the same monotone in his voice that almost drove  Namie  crazy and turned  her face  rad ish red as she pointed to  the far corner , yelling:

_ -"THIS !" _

_ -"Ah.. this is what you have to clean up" _

_ -"WHAT ?" _

With swift soundless moves, and using his injured hand,  he removed the back   of the surgical pad , and stuck it to his wrist,  before closing  the drawer , all below  Namie's  sightline .  He turned off his computers then  stood up and walked from his desk to the couch where his furry coat ,  was  neatly  laid ,  and started putting it on, heading to the door as he added:

_ -"A nd  lock up when you leave,  I might be late" _

_ -"What the...? I'm not touching that.. What the hell is it ?! D o  you  a bladder control problem ,  Orihara  ?!" _

A faint smirk showed on his lips as he sarcastically said:

_ -"Relax dummy, it's just whiskey and broken glass" _

He then let out an amused laugh as he added:

_ -"But you would still be cleaning  it  if it was urine, I would love to watch you do that!  Haha " _

_ -"Someone's in a good mood " _

_ -"I'm always in a good mood!" _

-"But.. but h ow on earth did you manage to make such a mess? And s ince when do you drink anyway? And.. hey,  where are you going?"

The amused look in his eyes and the smirk on his lips seemed to fade for a  zeptosecond  to be replaced by an odd mysterious expression as he said:

_ -"I'm craving  villi gers " _

 


	6. Static

 

**The Internet "Gaming Site"**   
**5-10-2012**

 

Magicalboy: That was fun, guys, thanks for the games, gtg now  
Kanra: awwwww  
Daisy: Can't you stay for one more round? :/  
Magicalboy: xD sorry, I have plenty of homework and it's getting late.  
Daisy: Ok then, good luck!  
Kin: Bye, Magicalboy  
JACK: Take care  
Kurai: Goodbye  
Magicalboy: Byes, have fun  
Kanra: Bye bye! Oh I feel like playing some other game. Anyone up for it??!  
Kin: nah, sorry  
JACK: I'm actually getting sleepy  
Daisy: I think I'm going to watch a movie  
Kanra: You guys are no fun! *pouts* What about you, Kurai-san? Join me???  
Kurai: umm... Ok  
Kanra: Yay! Kurai-san you're the best! I love you!!  
Kurai: lol

  
***

**Ikebukuro**   
**10-9-2012**

 

He just has to be brief and fast.  
The long sleeves would hide his, not fast enough healing, arms, and the hood would partially hide his head, with its signature blond hair and puffy swollen eyes.  
He doesn't have to speak to anyone, salute, nod, or even make himself acknowledged to anyone. He's just going to get what he needs to go back to his shell and stay there until...  
Until what???  
Until Izaya gives in for once, or until he does as always, resulting in them going back together.. as always?  
Until he gives up? Gives up on what? On the relationship? On life?  
Until sorrow and loneliness eventually kill him, or until he starts thinking to speed up the process by trying to commit one more suicidal attempt that would fail... as always?  
As everything he would try and fail at, even that!  
The thought made the corners of his pale lips turn slightly upwards, in another failure attempt to smile sarcastically. He fails every time he tries to live, every time he tries to die.  
Such a loser!  
But this is not the time or place to think about all this, he has a specific mission that needs to be accomplished as fast as possible. He needs food, with lots of sugary stuff, cigarettes, and any type of alcohol that is numbing enough, yet not so bitter.  
Lots, lots of all the above.   
Oh and also pain killers, these never seem to actually work 100% with him, they would somewhat dull the pain, but never stop it completely, which was good enough for him, and also not surprising or shocking, for his body never acted normally, not with anything, and certainly not with pain itself, so why would it do with what kills that pain?!  
He just has to convince his pains to leave him alone for a while, even partially, those headaches, the pain in his chest, his sides, his muscles, bones, everywhere! He probably should see a doctor about all this, shinra to be precise, but he doesn't even want to nod casually towards anyone, doesn't want anyone to notice he exists, so talking to shinra, having to explain, being examined.. etc, all this just seemed out of the question.

He shivered for some reason. Was it the weather? But since when is it that cold in September?! Was it fear?? But what would a grown man possibly fear while walking at eight o'clock in the morning in Ikebukuro?!! Just a grown man, not the strongest among the whole neighborhood!!!!  
So what is it? Why does he actually feel cold and worried? Why does he feel alienated by everyone and everything? The fresh morning breeze that he used to like before keeps making him shiver, the people of Ikebukuro, that used to be intimidated by him, scare him now, he keeps averting his eyes, not wanting to see anyone, or be seen by anyone.

The process of purchase luckily took shorter than he expected and he soon found himself hurrying back in the streets with his small treasure, running up the stairs of his building, for the possibilities of meeting one of his neighbors were higher with the elevator. And finally, opening his apartment door then closing it behind him.

He couldn't believe that the mere act of closing the door behind him in his solitude with all his supplies brought him.. relief? happiness?? Is it possible? Is he that sad and pathetic?! He knew he's always been a loser but did he really slide to this low level of the losers' life?!! What did his relationship with Izaya do to him? How did it start as a magical thing that brought him nothing but happiness before, yet left him in this state of misery now? Is it even Izaya's fault? Or he's that much of a loser that he couldn't manage to keep the best gift he had been given in his whole life???

He slowly placed the bags on the floor somewhere near the door but managed to get a cigarette pack from them before heading towards the couch to throw his exhausted body on it. Since when has a simple shopping journey exhausted him that much?! Well, he should just probably quit wondering and asking himself stupid questions like these and do something more productive, like lighting a cigarette for example, or turning on the TV, which he did. Yes, these things counted as productive to him now, at least they're better than doing nothing at all, aren't they?

He didn't really focus on what was showing on the TV screen, he just needed some kind of noise so that his thoughts don't seem so loud in his head. He let the hood slide down, showing his disheveled hair as the smoke flew with his exhales through his nose and mouth while he dug in his pockets, fishing for his wallet. He had a large sum of money before going out, but he spent a hell lot on these things that would probably last for... two weeks? Three at most?? He still has plenty of money but.. but at this rate..

He can't go back to being a bodyguard, can he? Would the job still be there for him? Does he even want it back? Does he have the energy or the spirit for it? Can these tired broken eyes intimidate anyone anymore?!  
He liked the bakery, and it was a really good business, even with all the troubles with Izaya, the fights, the arguments, he still enjoyed getting well paid for doing something he was really interested in, but he can't keep doing it, it's not really his store after all, but Izaya's, it would be awkward, Izaya might even refuse to let him work there anymore, or might act coldly like they never had any history, Izaya can put a million masks on his face and he knows it, the bastard is so good at that, or he might not need to put any masks at all, he's probably tired of him, and he knows that one cold look from Izaya would probably kill him, he can't.. he can't see him, he can't even pass near the bakery again, it would bring memories, it would make him look weak and needy in Izaya's eyes and …  
NO!  
But if he blocked his two job paths, what else has he got? What can he do if he can't move forwards with the bakery or backwards with the debt collecting? How would he support himself? Would he start looking for a total different job? But what is he good at?! What did he ever succeed at doing but these two jobs that are out of the question now?!!  
And more importantly...  
How the hell is he supposed to look for a job when he doesn't even want to leave his apartment! When it was tiring, exhausting, and pressuring to go shopping for some supplies!! When he doesn't want to talk to a single human being?!!

He's not moving forwards or backwards. He can't or he won't let it happen by forcing himself to stay in this static state, forcing himself to be static energy, an imbalance of charges, resulting from the contact between him and Izaya, followed by separation.

And back to the money issue..  
His jaw dropped as he reached the realization, letting the smoke flow randomly out of his open mouth..  
Yes, he still has plenty of money but at this rate, he would be broke and starving in no time!

 


End file.
